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20-Jul-2017 19:05

The Catch: Aristo man probably has a vast Schloss somewhere on the Rhine, a place so beautiful you start fantasizing about updating it with expensive Italian furniture. Once he gets you home, all the ‘I-want-to-be-English-just-like-you-my-sweetness’ business will swiftly come to a screeching halt.Aristo German Male may even initially encourage your fantasies. You will be forced to eat Leberwurst, meet his 100-year-old granny and walk the family gun dogs -- who, sensing that you’re not really posh, will bite you.Should he be into bicycles, note the full-body, neon cycling uniform he dons whenever going out for a spin. The Catch: German Health Spa “holidays” involve getting up early, drinking vile-tasting water and doing aqua aerobics.You will also have to give up chips, full-fat dairy products and red meat for as long as you go out with Sporty German Male.If you really want to go out with one: Lose weight and get used to Saturday nights drinking orange juice. Has a facial expression not dissimilar to a spaniel that has been beaten up one too many times.

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Bottom line: If you want a relationship with a German dude, be prepared to do the heavy lifting yourself.SPORTY GERMAN MALE “I never, ever got involved in sport,” said Winston Churchill wisely. My one brief encounter with Sporty German Male included a doomed mini-break to Mallorca. “If you were fat, my sweetness, you would not be here!Stretched out by the swimming pool in my bikini, I asked: “Do I look fat in this? " Distinguishing marks: Adonis-like hairless, perma-tanned body. Favorite Activities: Marathons, hill running, admiring himself in a mirror, making tofu stir-fry.You will be stranded in a dusty Hell, furnished in Biedermeier kitsch.

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And when you resist your transition into the Teutonic Upper Class, Aristo German Male will dump you for an Aristo German Female with higher cheekbones. Running around Hamburg’s Alster when you fancy going shoe shopping, or forcing you to go Nordic Walking on a Sunday morning when you’d still rather be under your duvet stuffing yourself with scrambled eggs, Sporty German Male laughs in the face of blubber, Wiener Schnitzel and chips.The aristos didn’t get anywhere in life by changing their ways, now, did they?Distinguishing marks: On paper, the little “von” or “zu” -- or even more absurdly, both -- tagged onto his last name is a dead giveaway you’ve met a man of Teutonic Sang Real.Our advice: Be careful out there -- there is always a catch.