10 simple rules dating my teenage daughter
If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating.
My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge.
Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat! I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been.
But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi.
If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home.
Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls.
These Dumb Actions By People Will Leave You Aghast Some people do things that simply leave you scratching your head - and make you laugh.Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight.
Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. This Joke Starts With a Young Lady Bringing Her Fiancee Home After a dinner in which a young lady introduces her fiancee to her parents, her mother instructs her father to go on a fact-finding mission...However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you.She turns her attentions to the barman to get it across...